My mother always used to tell me "What will be, will be". I always hated when she said that because I never could figure out what it meant. It's taken me 30 years, multiple heartaches, times of great joy and downright depression and grief, but I have finally figured it out. I'm sure my mom is sitting by the ocean in heaven (That's where I get my passion for water) and smiling, thinking, "She's finally got it, my Diane". She always called me "my Diane", words that I would give anything to hear just one more time. And my Dad is sitting next to her saying "Christ, it took her long enough!".
They say "Time heals all wounds". They say "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger". They say "Give it time, things will turn around". And they are always right.Now if I can just figure out who "they" are....
My life hit a rough patch about 16 months ago, well let's be honest, it pretty much went spiraling out of control. Or at least, out of MY control. I lost my job on Feb 4, 2009 due to the economy. A few hours later I drove my Dad to Strong Hospital for what was to be an overnight stay for him to have a test run. We left 8 weeks later with a terminal diagnosis. I continued to take care of him, watch him suffer and slowly he lost strength and use of his limbs, and 8 weeks after coming back from Strong, he died a peaceful death at Hildebrandt, the Hospice center in Rochester with my brother Bobby and I watching over him throughout the long night, into his favorite tee time: 6;55am.
Then a few weeks after that, of mutual agreement, my husband left our home and marriage of 29 years.In a matter of months I had lost my Dad, my husband, my job, my happiness, my world. We put our house on the market and that was just one more loss. I had sunk pretty low and had a hard time pulling myself out of bed in the morning. The only thing that kept me going was my faith, my son, my family and my friends. Now as I face the 1 year anniversary of my Dad's death,I realize how right my Mom was,"What will be, will be".
I lost total control of my life last year and still haven't gotten it back. But I realize now that I never did or ever will have total control of my life. I didn't realize until today, that losing control was why I hated when my Mom used that saying. But she was wise beyond her years, something I wish that she would have shared with me before she died. But I know now that it is a lesson that we must all learn on our own. And it is a lesson that is frustrating, hurtful, sad, but one what we must all learn.
We do not control our destiny, We can do things to "steer the ship" called our life, through our actions, words, thoughts and the way we choose to live our lives. BUT total control is impossibleand now that I realize that, it's not such a bad thing. If I have a strong faith and trust that I am doing what I feel is right, then that is all I can ask for out of life. The higher powers that be, have a plan and I can only pray, meditate and trust. And that my friends, is EVERYTHING.